Sapphire Fae

Sapphire Fae

Ipslne

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It's been 14 weeks.	[Aug. 8th, 2007\|10:38 am]
I'm glad that LiveJournal tells me how long it's been since I've cared. Not like it's getting lonely with its 5 billion users ¬_¬ Aside from all that... here's a little something about myself. Maybe it will give people a better idea as to why I don't really do anything ever. Enjoy :) (btw, this is a reply to an e-mail from my sister in which she states that my dad contacted her about him thinking I use crack because he found my "glass pipe" that I use to smoke pot with. Part of his prosecution included sores that have been developing along my arms. Here's most of the reply to that e-mail. Just to give you guys a little look at the inner-workings of my head). "hahahahhaha, yeah I've told just about everyone about that glass pipe thing. He knows I smoke pot, but when he confronted me about the pipe, he didn't believe me. Everyone thinks it's hilarious. The conversation was over the phone though and he had to go quickly. He hasn't talked to me about it since. The sores on my arms are... different. I have frequent anxiety attacks and I refuse to go on meds for them (besides the fact that dad wouldn't allow it ¬_¬ ) The sores used to be on my upper arms because I'd get nervous and start scratching and rubbing my upper arms. It wasn't so bad, but now they've started to break out and consequently the scratching and rubbing is turning spotty skin into scar tissue. It's spread a bit to my lower arms... I'm trying to control it but I'm having a REALLY hard time. I've become somewhat of a hermit and it's driving me crazy. I'll try to make this short... but I have a lot of trouble being in what most people know is the real world. I always have some sort of alternate reality or other world I'd rather live in. I achieve it through video-games or purely my imagination. I live in whichever world I am most comfortable in at any given time. Through high school I started making so many friends and acquaintances that made living in reality so much more comfortable and worthwhile to me. This probably wouldn't be so if it weren't for the fact that high school forces people to interact with other real people in society 5 days out of the week. Thusly I adapted to being in public and had a good time with it. After high school this feeling continued because I was with Sofia. Eventually my want and need to be a part of society revolved around Sofia, her family, and my friends. In the last two years I learned that cheating on her was a product of basically childish habits: to incorporate the real world with superficial fantasies. Whatever reason I had at the time, I was made so uncomfortable in the real world that I secluded myself in this fantasy world and made the other party in the affair a part of it. After she broke up with me I've been afraid to be anywhere in the real world. Unlike a video game I can't just reset or make up for the mistakes I've made. It just feels like I can't start over, so I continue my existence in my head where I feel more accepted... as if I were a child. The problem, aside from this being generally frowned upon by the rest of society, is that I know what I'm doing is not good for me and that I feel so uncomfortable in life to make the first step outside and change it. I'm trying... very slowly; but I am. If I'm out in public and I begin to feel amiss, I have to leave before I have an anxiety attack. Pot probably doesn't help this overall paranoia, but it's also one of the only things to help me dismiss the feeling of anxiety as it comes on. To a certain extent the same goes for cigarettes. Don't get me wrong, I can feel okay without the two. It's only the period of time during which I get the withdrawal symptoms do the anxiety attacks get worse. I'd love to get more into my psychology, but it's a rather depressing topic. Being able to know exactly how I work and exactly how to change it without the ability to because of some sort of block or self-restriction. It's almost like a human law that goes unbroken: Knowledge of problems you have with your own mental workings as well as the solution to said problems negates your ability or will to achieve an ideal mental state pending examination by an outside party or a powerful enough force--be it gravitation, love, both or the two considered identical--to ground your thoughts and return yourself to your body long enough to make that first step. I are scientist lol."
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(no subject)	[Apr. 27th, 2007\|04:12 pm]
I was just about to post a parody of my very early journal posts; however I've deemed it in poor taste as it would probably have offended everyone in some way. Oh yeah so I'm doing pretty damn spiffy. How are you guys?
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(no subject)	[Feb. 20th, 2007\|03:32 pm]
You too Hezbollah. Though I'm more pissed off at the Israeli government at the moment. I just watched a documentary on the destruction in Lebanon, followed by home videos taken a day after the cease-fire. I didn't realize the extent of the damage until I saw it for myself. It's fucking ridiculous, Israel has a few building and citizens that have been damaged compared to the almost complete destruction they caused in Lebanon, especially my family's village. The documentary showed buildings and structures destroyed from the attacks. The southern, Muslim sector of Lebanon was practically leveled. It's not forgivable, but in the context of war it made sense. That's where Hezbollah would most likely have been. But then Israel went on to sporadically bomb the Christian sectors where Hezbollah wouldn't have been at all. It was a direct attack on the country, not just Hezbollah as they had claimed. They had even gone to Deirmimas, our village, where they interviewed my teta (grandmother). They showed little of the destruction in the village; but she explained that all of the hundreds of thousands of crops were either destroyed or laden with undetonated cluster bombs that they cant go near, and therefore can't harvest the crops until the army comes through and gets rid of all of the bombs. The documentary also interviewed the "mayor" of the village; a philanthropist much like Rafik Hariri, the former Prime Minister of Lebanon who poured billions of dollars out of his own pockets to rebuild Lebanon after the civil war. This new mayor, who purchased land from my jidu (grandfather) at the base of the village, worth only a couple thousand dollars, for $150,000. He planned on using his money to bring business back to Deirmimas after a highway was constructed to bypass the village. Now that our village has been bombed, he plans on using his money to help rebuild... making a name for himself as Hariri did. The cluster bombs that Israel dropped on Lebanon made harvesting crops impossible. The home video showed the ground littered with unexploded bombs. 5 citizens have died from these even after an attempted cleanup by the army. The 130,000 olive trees, all of which are thousands of years old, are only fertile once every other year. Last year was their year to be picked. Because they couldn't the economy suffered a massive loss. Even worse is that some of these trees were destroyed. These thousand-year-old trees are beautiful; it's very sad to me that Israel even did this. The home videos went on to show the destruction along road sides in between Beirut and Deirmimas. All bridges and roads being destroyed, they often had to leave the car they were in, and hop into someone else's on the other side of whatever obstacle they came across. This is an excellent example of how people are in Lebanon, and most foreign countries. Even Israel, the citizens are very kind to everyone. Would you ever think to leave your car in the middle of a road to get into a stranger's? Probably not. Anthony Bourdain, a chef who has his own show on the Travel Channel, did his show in Beirut; arriving there two days before the bombings started. Instead of his show being about the food, he ended up trapped there, filming what he could of the war. Everything he had to say about the culture showed that the Lebanese are very strong and kind people. No where do you find such courtesy and willpower in the citizens. It's not only in Lebanon; but we as Americans don't get that kind of camaraderie from our neighbors. Despite our advancements, it is still we who live in caves. In the village, our house was blown apart. A picture I've grown fond of--a vibrant burgundy wall with vines crawling up the edges and a ladder propped up against it--was redrawn in this video depicting a crude, potholed cement slab with a slight faded red in places where the paint didn't completely burn off. Across from that wall stood a large stone wheel, one of the only two old olive presses in the area, which is now chipped and worn away from the blasts. The home video also gave a great look at the bombs that littered the ground. They were no bigger than a juice box, and they covered the ground only inches apart. Even whole cluster bombs that just didn't detonate were found. Massive missile-shaped bombs just laying there. One had buried itself deep into the ground and hadn't even detonated. Nowhere in Israel would you find damage near this, and what I've described isn't even the worst of it. We lived in a Christian village. The Muslim villages and cities were leveled. Completely. The only thing that pisses me off more is that Hezbollah had used our house to hide in. Teta and Jidu returned to find spent armaments, canned food they never had, laying around their house. It's totally ridiculous and shameful to their country. Though I still now fully blame Israel. They over-reacted entirely. People say Lebanon has been pushing them for decades. I say those in power in Israel don't even have the right to be there. They've occupied southern Lebanon during the Lebanese civil war, leaving minefields all across the land, refusing to give Lebanese officials placement maps so they can be disposed of properly. Their occupation was in order to take advantage of weaknesses in the government so they could strike at opportune times. They left long after peace was made between the Christian and Muslim population, with the intent to come back. When they did come back, Hezbollah attacked and captured two of their soldiers. FOR SOME REASON Israel deemed that as unforgivable... even though their soldiers were approaching Lebanese boarders? It's too bad the United States was the only country to agree with them, considering the US had enough influence to allow Israel to continue bombing. When I say Israeli officials don't deserve their seats in the government, it's because it's not their land anymore. The Jews had left their Holy land thousands of years ago. Palestine was the result, and was there until World War II. After the massive displacement of Jews in the late 40's, they were given land that was already owned by the Palestinians, without their approval. I'm not saying the Jews didn't deserve a home, but that wasn't quite the correct place. Just because their religion says they are entitled to that land doesn't mean in these modern times we can just hand it over to them. If they can do that for someone based on their religion, than they could have given land back to the Native Americans who's entire race was in America first. Of course they have reservations and casinos, but it isn't their own country at all. They have little control. Not to mention that people think "Semites" are Jews. Not true in the least. The word "Semite" derived from biblical Noah's second son, Shem, who was lord of the Middle Earth (not LotR, but the Middle East). This means that anyone who is Middle Eastern is Semitic. This brings me to my final point, that those in charge of Israel don't deserve that land because they are NOT Semitic. Most of the people in the Israeli government are Japhetic Jews. Noah's third son, Japheth, was lord of the Northern Earth (being modern day Europe). All of those displaced after WWII were told they could have Palestine, which they then called Israel. I honestly think that's a bit fucked up. Their religion cannot define land that they are entitled to. If that were the case, I could convert to Judaism and be entitled to land in Israel. And technically, if one did that and went to the Israeli government, they would be given land. Taken straight from the Palestinians. Alright, I'm done ranting. Thanks ahead of time for not telling me to cut this.
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It's the truth!	[Jan. 16th, 2007\|01:06 am]
You'd get shot if you called Charizard a dragon type on the south side of Lansing.
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(no subject)	[Nov. 10th, 2006\|12:53 am]
Ipslne: i had a hole in my pants Ipslne: and i haven't shaved in a few days
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lol	[Nov. 7th, 2006\|05:11 pm]
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
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(no subject)	[Oct. 31st, 2006\|05:35 am]
when you're drunk, everything is pretty lol at the time. sorry if i offended anyone.
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toddy

[Oct. 30th, 2006|07:41 am]

[

Tags

important, toddy

]

I'm starting to see the beauty in life again. In the past this has been a good thing. Something that has made me look forward to every day. This time around, however, it's making me rather depressed. I miss having someone around, or just people around in general, to share that beauty with.

I just want to know people again. A close friend or something. Someone who I can count on to know me. I feel that my past mistakes are hindering the entire process. I've got a horrible reputation and it seems that no matter how I try to fix it, it just doesn't get any better. Either people have lost hope/faith in me all together or I just fall back into the same sort of pattern; innuendos, flirting, or generally just being a chauvanist prick. Even worse is noticing immediately after that I just lost my chances at ever being close to someone because of some stupid comment/action.

I don't really know. There are people I feel I could relate to very well and people I just care about immensley because of what they've been through and how they handle it. I love their company but I feel that I give them the totally wrong impression... or at least my reputation does.

Specifically, I know that I want to know Amy, Nate, Joanna... people I'm comfortable around. Problem is that I think stupid decisions I've made lost me any chance with Amy, Nate probably thinks I'm a bit weird (considering he'd see me at Beaner's morning after morning...), and Joanna really disagrees with my life-style in so many ways.

In the long-run I'd have to say that those three reasons are what make me paranoid of what other people think of me... and if I could ever be friends with them.

I really want to try to see people, and it's so discouraging when the person(s) I really like hanging out with are always busy or inexplicably unavailable. When it happens so many times I just have to assume that there's something wrong with me.

And to top it off, Sebastian has classified me as a hypochondriac. With such proof as the following conversation with myself:

"What? I'm a hypochondriac?"

"Well I guess I could be a hypochondriac, I mean I do feel kind of shitty and I think people hate me..."

"Oh my god! I am a hypochondriac... I mean I must be! There's always something wrong with me!"

"Hey do you think I'm a hypochondriac?! I'm not sure! I must be though..."

I just really wish I didn't screw up stuff with people. I feel so much more close to women... I really miss my sensative side. I've been living with guys and I haven't had any close female friends for a long time... and I don't like feeling "like a guy."

To say more bluntly: I want a girl I can talk to. I girl I know. Someone who loves to talk, and wouldn't mind listening once in a while...

Someone who trusts that I've changed. Who has faith in me.

Amy, Emily, Zoe, Kat, Dana, Kivaki, Kika, Katie, Laurie, Lauren, Emma, Whitney, Mariam, Katana... Each of them I really wanted to know, I felt like I could be close to them; but back in the day I had to fuck it all up. I got too attatched in a sort of infatuation. I would feel a sort of naive "love." I didn't know what it meant, but at some point in my life they seemed to care for me (or at least take the time to be my friend) which is more than anyone else has offered me in their respective times. I latched on to that and dwelled on the idea until I'd do something stupid... either trying to move into a more physical relationship (with a more emotionally attatched relationship as the desired result) or I'd try to explain my feelings... which were always blown way out of proportion in my own head.

Needless to say, each of them were horribly put-off by these actions... and I know that I've learned from it. The problem is... after breaking up with Sofia, this summer I fell back into those old patterns, most likely out of desperation. I found people I really felt comfortable with and I tried to find something there. The reason this is so bad is because I wasn't being naive... I knew I was looking. And of course, when you look... you generally find (unless we're talking about your keys, which are probably under your couch). The last three in that list are the ones I made that mistake with, and seeing as how it's not only nothing new, but I was just plain stupid.

Reputation ruined. Right there. And conciously being entirely my fault, I can't say a damn thing to make it better, other than I've learned from it. And how are people going to know I've learned my lesson? Well, I guess they'd have to trust me.

But hey, everyone lost trust in me... not to mention respect and faith. So really how do I regain it if no one has the faith to try? And no one can respect me in my presence?

I wouldn't know. I have trouble meeting new people because, essentially, I'm sick of losing friends... and when you don't have anyone close, you have nothing to lose. Pessamistic a bit, but my instincts have kicked in and I'm just living to survive at this point, absorbing whatever beauty I can find in my wake. Some of it I try to make myself, the rest is natural... experiences with "good" people, the morning sky on wet pavement, or something as simple as a leaf that just happens to be moving the right way.

I feel that my best chance is with people who already know my past, and know my mistakes. I feel I can earn more respect and trust from them than I could with anyone else. They know who I've been, and because I have no secrets about myself, there's no baggage I have to carry. No history I feel I should explain, no more ambiguous judgement that has to be passed.

I want there to either be no unclear animosity between me and the people on that list. If I'm trying to reconnect with you, and you want none of it... say something. Hell, you wouldn't necessarily have to be on that list. You'd know who you are... I'd be trying to see you as often as possible (well, within reason).

-----

And while I'm at it, I guess I'll just make this post longer :D

So in the last year, I've worked at Walgreens as a Photo Specialist, Meijer as the Guy Who Didn't Show Up For Training Because He Missed A Message For Him And Got Too Nervous To Come In, Georgio's as the Pizza Guy, Magdalena's as the Failed Volunteer, Team Telcom as "Ed" -- Surveyor #113, and Beaner's as Shift Leader.

This just shows that no matter how charismatic I must be to get jobs like crazy, it must be easier for a paraplegic to walk than it is for me to hold a job.

Either way, Beaner's seems to be an easy-to-keep job. My first day (after training) Sarah King tells me that I'm going to be a shift leader. Then my next day at work, I had to work two more hours after my shift because Sarah calls in sick. Great impression she's making there... really.

Tonight, however, I got to work with Nate. After tonight I'm a bit more confident that he doesn't think I'm a complete wheirdo. Although an aquaintance of mine, who I don't even know his name, brought me a batch of some toddy that he made; and a batch of his "special brew toddy," which apparently was much more concentrated. Toddy is pretty much cold-brew coffee. You have a bunch of ground espresso in water at (I think) a 1:1 ratio (or however much for the concentration you're looking for) that is left to sit in a fridge for 15+ hours (once again depending on the strength you're looking for). You have to shake it up really good every couple hours. When you're ready to filter it, you have to buy a special cotton filter (they have them at World Market) and pour the coffee+grounds through that a few times. It's a long process, but supposedly you get decent-tasting espresso with a 3-5 fold concentration of caffiene. I had about a shot of his "special brew" which he apparently had going for a few days with a 2:1 espresso-water ratio. I felt like I had three caffiene pills, with more of a very breef buzz and a much longer nausia. Apparently a bad idea.

And this fits in because Nate, the whole time, was rather "wtf?"

In other news, it's been nice living with Kevin and Dyer. I'm catching up slowly on debts. Life has been moving rather slowly. I haven't seen any good movies recently, and the ending of Shadow of the Colossus was a bit dissappointing, leaving me wondering how many alternate endings there may be... if any. The only thing making up for it were the possible speculations I could make about it being a prequil to Ico.

I guess all I have to play is Lufia and Lufia 2, either emulated on my computer or on Kevin's SNES. I bought an interesting looking generic PS1 shmup for $1.20 at Meijer called Shooter Space Shot. I showed it to Sprocket (my supervisor at TeamTelcom... who's pretty awesome) who said that he's played it before... and would put it on par with at least Ikaruga in terms of entertainment and replay value.

I've also got Splinter Cell to play. I dunno if I'll regret it, but I bought the damn game brand-new for 98 cents at CompUSA... what do I have to lose? At least I'm not wasting my life away with Starcraft or Gunbound... not to meantion the over-abundance of italics and colour tags xD

AAAAAAAAND when all that's done and over, I hope John will be done with Magna Carta so I can finally stop playing, and so I can just feel more secure about where my Final Fantasy IX is. I hope he finishes that up soon ;p

On the subject of videogame politics, I'd have to say that the Wii is a sure bet. And considering that Sony has decided to research the process of bending over backwards and somehow fucking themselves in their own assholes, rather than an efficient and more consumer friendly way of getting their lost money on the PS3 back, I'm probably going to be getting a 360 before a PS3.

The Wii's got the game line-up, with plenty of third-party support to back it; as well as an unbelievable affordability. Something rarely found these days in the gaming world. Even the goofy controller is rather intriguing. I mean, yeah you'll look retarded swinging that sword around... but at least you can look retarded in style (the Wii's pretty chic if you ask me ;p ) With Super Smash Brothers Brawl on its way, and Twilight Princess WAY overdue for release, there's really no reason for me not to get one. Well, okay... so I'm a little pissed that Young Link is being replaced by Wind Waker Link in the new SSB, as well as getting rid of the Ice Climbers and Mr. Game and Watch... two of their most original characters. The only thing that can make up for that faux pas would have to be a Sonic and Tails Ice Climber-esque duo, or Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles as three seperate playable characters. The chances that Solid Snake will replace Samus in terms of their move sets seem to be high... considering that Zero Suit Samus is nothing like SSBM Samus, and there's really no other move set that would fit with Snake. Ooooookay enough of this speculation.

The Xbox 360 has increasing pluses in terms of game line-up, and we all know that it's working and good. It's been out for a year, and that's enough proof to me that it'll be okay. There are a few RPG's I'm interested in... and I'm sure once I buy one I'll find other games to tickle my fancy. (I just made Steve Jobs turn in his grave. Oh wait he's not dead yet? My bad.)

The PS3 has my definite support. Sadly. It's not because I think they're "doin great!" for us consumers, but because of the games I'm addicted to. Metal Gear Solid 4, The Final Fantasy XIII Anthology (which I'll also just HAVE to buy a PSP for ¬_¬ ) and uh.... well I mean, it's Final Fantasy. There's really nothing else I can say.

Hum, and on a random tangent that I formed in my head... which NONE of you will probably understand... I have Requiem for a Dream and I haven't watched it yet. I was supposed to watch it with Alicia sometime, but she's been pretty damn busy. I also have owned this movie for a couple years now and haven't had the will to just pick it up and watch it on my own. I really can't watch movies on my own at all. Anime is a different story though. Speaking of which, Sebastian still has to return to me my Evangelion box-set... and Neal has had my Cowboy Bebop box-set for years. Damnit D:< I'm gonna have to hunt Neal down, I haven't talked to him in forever.

I want to expand my Anime collection more. The more I watch these days the more I remember how I used to be into it and how much I'd like to just enhance my collection so I can pick up something I haven't watched a hundered times and watch that a hundered times... thus renewing the review quality of the older Anime in my collection (and as long as there is a constant buying, this process will continue until I've wasted away my entire life as an Otaku).

I think what really threw me into that "need to watch Anime~!!" mood was watching all of Hellsing in one sitting with Kevin, and watching the first couple episodes of FLCL... both for the first time.

Holy shit. I'm done.

HeY gUyS! ⁱ MaE_k

tags.

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